04:54: Here comes Curtis Axel – the former Michael McGillicutty and the current Joe Hennig, for those of you who aren’t aware. Fandango was originally scheduled to be in this match, but is currently on the sidelines with a sudden concussion. Axel is definitely not a bad replacement for Fandango, but a part of me is thinking that this might be a better match action-wise if he were still in, because he’s going to contribute the most energy with all his flying and jumping around. And dancing.
05:38: Have I mentioned that I like this Wade Barrett theme a lot better than anything he’s ever had lately? It sounds like a Johnston composition, and you cannot go wrong with a Jim Johnston original. The “God Save the Queen” drop at the beginning is a great hook. It might be going in the “Good” part of my yearly theme song awards.
07:29: These guys starting out in second gear. I like that.
07:58: Miz diving smooth out of the ring there. Glad to see he’s not botching anything early.
08:26: Also, does anyone else think that Miz’s hairstyle makes him look like JBL’s MiniMe?
08:33: Great thing in a match like this is that three men instead of two help keep the pace up as long as all three are in the ring at the same time. As long as everyone’s doing something, there’s very little time to make or even spot a mistake. Your eyes are constantly glued to the offense being exchanged.
09:53: Muay thai knees! It’s great when Jinder Mahal does it and it’s great when Wade does it. This is the kind of thing he needs to be doing more of. Just strike and strike a guy. That’s what bareknuckle brawling should be all about.
10:44: Right now the only thing good about Curtis Axel is at least his look is his own. He doesn’t look like his dad. If he looked like his grandfather, the audiences are too young to remember that. That’s one step to being his own man.
11:39: They’ve now moved to the formula of “one guy stays out of the ring while the other two fight inside.” It was expected, I guess.
12:34: This is what I don’t like about Joe Hennig’s work. His striking offense is mostly unrefined – if it’s deliberate, it looks weak, but if it’s fast, he looks sloppy. He does throws best. His saito, his Perfect-Plex; those are what he can do best. But his strikes suck major ass.
13:50: On the other hand, Miz is best when he’s striking. His clotheslines, his boots – Miz is a straight-up brawler and they’re messing with that formula by having him try silly things he can’t do, like the Figure Four.
14:12: Look at that hair. I’m telling you, Mini-JBL.
15:15: That Perfect-Plex was, dare I say… Perfect. He needs to incorporate more grappling into his moveset, I’m serious.
15:56: This match is absolute chaos and it is exciting. I’m telling you, triple threats = automatic sense of urgency. Sense of urgency = drama. Drama = emotional involvement. The formula is simple!
17:16: HOW DOES ONE EXPECT SOMEBODY TO TAP TO THE FIGURE FOUR IF YOU HAVEN’T EVEN WORKED ON HIS LEGS?
17:31: Axel pins Barrett while he’s locked in the Figure Four! New Intercontinental Champion! MICHAEL COLE IS GOING CRAZY! HE’S USING HIS BAH GAWWD VOICE!
18:20: Solid opener. They were rushing again, as I felt that match could’ve used maybe 2-3 more minutes of pacing in the middle, but I understand why it was quick since each man has weaknesses that have to be hidden. The best moments of the match were when all three were involved with each other, and predictably, the worst were when only two men were in the ring. But it was a good opener that definitely did not bore. 3.25 stars.
21:25: Vince is fucking with Triple H. He’d go so far to even shake Paul Heyman’s hand just to fuck with his head.
22:40: Time for the Divas title match. I would’ve wanted this to be in between the World title matches, but I guess that means this match is not intended to be a bathroom break.
23:08: Also, if you don’t think that Kaitlyn is one of the futures of this company, you don’t know nothing. If you don’t think AJ is one of the futures of this company, you seriously might not know anything.
25:05: The tights AJ’s wearing tonight are reinforcing my Harley Quinn image of her.
25:48: Seriously, Kaitlyn is a suitable replacement for Beth Phoenix. Just give her a few more years and she will improve even further. (One would think Natalya is the replacement, but Natalya is Natalya. She’s her own woman.)
27:17: “I think all women secretly despise each other.” (Lawler, 2013)
28:10: “I’ve been married a couple times. You think I’ve got women figured out?” (Layfield, 2013)
28:13: “I’ve had three weddings and no anniversaries!” (Lawler, 2013)
28:30: Neckbreakers are underrated, people. Never underestimate the importance of a perfectly executed neckbreaker.
28:46: And AJ is really just taking it to Kaitlyn here, just rubbing in her fragility. Damn, AJ. That’s just being a bitch.
29:09: AJ co-opts the Sleeper Hold from her boyfriend Dolph Ziggler, and she already executes it a hell of a lot better than Dolph does. That says tons about Dolph’s offensive manuevers (which I will get into in a future article).
29:57: Oh, AJ, baby, please don’t bend like that, you’re gonna make it hard to walk.
30:31: WICKED elbow from Kaitlyn. She hits better than both the Miz and Curtis Axel combined.
31:00: I like how AJ broke Kaitlyn’s grip on her arm with a kick. That’s very Daniel Bryan.
31:06: Kaitlyn is impressive. Hands down. (I’m a mark, as you can tell.)
31:27: YES PLEASE REMOVE HER TIGHTS
31:53: Did she just… whack her with the headband? Not the same thing as Cena’s lock and chain or brass knucks, but… okay.
32:58: Damn, I wanted to see the Gunnslinger (Samoan side slam)! I also mark out for that move! But the counter to the Black Widow is just as good!
33:17: Kaitlyn’s powered out and SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR!
33:53: Divas Match of the Year. (TNA fans, not the same as Knockouts Match of the Year. I know you’re giving that to Tiffany vs. Gail Kim. That’s cool. I don’t watch TNA, so I can’t really argue with you on that.) Please, if you’re a fan of women’s wrestling, please go out of your way to watch this match. And it isn’t even over yet.
34:52: Black Widow locked in again and I wanna see Kaitlyn break out of this one more time!
35:18: It looks like AJ’s having a hard time locking it all the way in because of the form (then again Kaitlyn’s arms are huge) but it doesn’t matter as Kaitlyn tapped out! Another new champion!
35:38: Beautiful match. Again, the only problem with it is that I wanted more – more time, I mean, which is clearly not something we can pin on either woman. I wanted to see more of the interaction between these two. I wanted to see more of AJ rubbing it in Kaitlyn’s face. I wanted to see more of Kaitlyn throwing AJ around. I wanted to see more SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR. Kaitlyn’s crying as I type this now – actually crying. She’s really selling the whole thing. This is already a very good story. I wanted more of this. Give me more of this, WWE. Thank you for making the Divas title relevant, even if only for right now. 3.75 stars.
39:25: Layla’s trying to comfort Kaitlyn but she looks like she’s trying to fight back a smile. Nice going, Layla. Don’t you see how serious this is?
41:01: Ladies and gentlemen, your post-show panel: Josh Mathews, White Charles Barkley, Lil’ Romeo, and Freddie Mercury.
42:04: Oh my god, I like that they took some PPV time to run a Wyatt Family video promo. Thank you. Thank you for this. It’s no different from what we’ve seen on RAW, but more people need to be exposed to the Wyatt Family.
43:28: Time for the U.S. title match. What is this, Night of Champions? (I’m not complaining, though.)
44:16: Did Michael Cole just say “if you wanna relieve moments”? Did he just have a barok moment?
44:49: Heeeeeere’s Dean Ledger!
45:42: Can we get a mid-career name change from Dean Ambrose to Dean Ledger, a la John Morrison?
46:15: You just get in there, Ambrose. Just take it to him.
46:33: Get that stat in your brains: Hell No held the Tag Titles for the better part of a year. Think about that. If they weren’t a thrown-together team in the beginning, you’d think they were this generation’s Legion of Doom or something. (Somebody find me a better comparison.)
48:06: Kane slowing the match down as he throws Ambrose around. I like it. It doesn’t always have to be a frenetic brawl. Sometimes deliberate is also fun to watch.
49:05: I’m impressed that Moxley has the (kayfabe) strength to throw Kane around in a dragon screw. That’s a guy who has at least a hundred pounds on him, and he’s just taking all of that weight down via a leg. Not the legs, but a leg.
50:25: Gonna try to superplex him? Good luck with that, man.
50:45: Flying elbow! Great move. I miss Christian.
51:20: The crowd seems to be tired for this one, and I can’t really blame them. They just witnessed two taxing matches in a row. Ambrose and Kane aren’t slacking in there, don’t get it twisted. They’re working a slower match but that doesn’t always mean boring. It’s just not crazy.
52:25: It’s been said time and again, but I always have to make this point: Kane is ridiculously agile for a man his size.
53:08: I think I want a Christian/Ambrose feud. Those two are very much capable of making magic together.
53:20: What’s up with those arm thingies Ambrose is doing? And King makes the Heath Ledger comparison. ‘Bout time somebody from the company finally got around to that.
54:14: Cole’s now saying that Chicago is Gotham. That could work.
54:54: Ambrose slaps Kane and takes the time to laugh in his face… and Kane delivers his signature uppercut. Had to chuckle at that. I need someone to make a gifset of that.
55:34: Wait… a countout? That was… unusual. On one hand, I get the story in that it’s going to be hard for Ambrose to put Kane away since he’s bigger than Kofi Kingston, but on the other hand, countouts are really just lazy, and not to mention anticlimactic booking. Nobody gets excited over a countout. Ambrose hit his DDT to keep Kane outside, but I wanted to see a longer match that would exhaust both men even more, justifying the countout. This match was good while it was going, but now it just feels like it was sawed completely in half. 2.75 stars.
57:34: RVD IS RETURNING AT MONEY IN THE BANK! RVD IS COMING HOME TO PHILLY! I’ve always been an okay RVD fan. I love watching him in the ring, even if his schtick is more predictable than Rey Mysterio’s.
59:09: IIIIIIT’S TIME for the World Heavyweight Championship match! That said though, we’ve gone through three matches in the past hour. This is the fourth. There are seven matches on the main card. I really have this huge problem with the WWE’s latent tendency to shorten match times on a PPV. This is a PPV. You’re allowed – nay, supposed to put on marathons on pay-per-view.
1:00:08: HERE TO SHOW THE WOOOOORLD
1:02:11: I love Lilian and Ricardo’s running gag, that Lilian introduces Ricardo in Spanish and Ricardo does his introduction in English. Although I’m willing to bet that that only has something to do with Alberto del Rio currently being face – the moment he goes back to being a heel, I bet Ricardo goes back to introducing him in Spanish.
1:04:03: Is the crowd chanting “LET’S GO ZIGGLER – CM PUNK”?
1:05:17: Alberto seems to be hitting harder than usual here. Ziggler’s cradling his head in pain. Remember the concussion.
1:05:50: Del Rio’s targeting the head on purpose. Back suplex = still targeting the back of the neck.
1:06:15: Interestingly, this is the killer instinct I’ve always wanted del Rio to have since he debuted. No lucha shit. No jumping enzuigiris. Just straight-up, bullying, shark in the water shit. This is how heels should work, unless it is in your gimmick to be graceful (i.e. Fandango).
1:06:35: Great story. Ziggler can’t hit too many high moves for fear of reinjuring his neck and head.
1:07:32: Big E’s outta here! Thanks for coming, Big E. You didn’t really help AJ and now you can’t help Dolph. Why do we even pay you?
1:08:18: Dolph’s walking around like he’s had one too many bottles of Red Horse… and del Rio stiff kicks him in the head. God damn, man.
1:09:50: Sleeper hold! The sleeper hold that looks better when AJ does it!
1:11:24: If you haven’t noticed it already, a double turn is happening right before our very eyes. Del Rio is being too brutal on purpose, while Dolph’s trying to hang in there for as much as he can. This is some Stone Cold/Bret Hart stuff. The crowd’s chanting “Let’s Go Ziggler” right now, and he’s trying to wrestle for his life, even if it ends up being sloppy. But now you can forgive him for being sloppy because the story is he’s feeling real woozy in there.
1:13:42: Dragon superplex, but Dolph kicks out! They’re really setting up the face turn here. Dolph’s kicking out of things like a World champion should.
1:14:27: Another stiff kick from del Rio. It’s really scary in its brutality, but I really have to say that this is how he needs to work.
1:14:48: Everyone’s showing concern here and it might just end up that both Dolph and AJ will be turning face together at this rate.
1:15:53: Now del Rio’s headbutting Dolph here. That’s just adding insult to injury.
1:16:31: That might have just been the best Zig Zag of Dolph’s career. Don’t get me wrong, the Zig Zag still sucks major ass, but that was a really great hope spot.
1:17:10: A quick mule kick and that finally puts Dolph away to get del Rio his second World Heavyweight Championship. I have to say though that del Rio as a heel is still a lot better than del Rio as an unbelievable face. Meanwhile, Dolph is wincing.
1:18:06: First off, I’m not going to get into the ethics of using ring psychology to take advantage of a concussion vis-à-vis actual concussions on the roster (like the one Fandango has) because I honestly don’t know what to make of it. I’m on the side of the good story here, and to me it looked like WWE found a good opportunity to turn Dolph face in a time where they desperately needed to find a reason to turn him face so that his face pops would be justified. Is it insensitive to those who are suffering real concussions? Yes, perhaps it is.
But at the same time, it would be a major oversight, a major lapse in common sense, if del Rio’s character didn’t take advantage of it. You would call him a stupid competitor if he didn’t go for the head, but at the same time, only a face would respect Ziggler’s skull, and it was clear that they had no intentions for del Rio to remain a face. My most important takeaway from this is that Dolph is turning, and it’s about time. 3 stars.
1:24:36: Time for the de facto main event. Honestly, I’d think you were lying if you tell me you’re not tuning in for Punk/Jericho.
1:27:05: Mr. Jacket Lights is in the building. Clearly he has accepted that he is the heel tonight.
1:27:29: HEEEEEERE’S PUNKVERINE!
1:28:22: LMAO at Heyman offering his watch to Punk so that the latter can check the time. You know, because IIIIIIT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIIIIIIIIME!
1:30:05: My friend Jocs and I were discussing possible tights designs for Punk to wear in the future. These include: blue and yellow with black tiger stripes, tan and brown, and X-Force gray and black.
1:30:53: Punk holds the sixth-longest title reign in WWE history. That’s another mind-blowing statistic, considering that the WWE Championship has 50 years of history to its name. Whether it was a good reign, however, is an entirely different story.
1:31:55: Mat wrestling to start the match. Thank you, Baby Jesus.
1:33:19: I swear to God, those mutton chops give Punk this really uncanny resemblance to Hugh Jackman.
1:34:30: I honestly hope, for Punk’s sake, that some of his nagging injuries have healed up. I’m sure the two months rest was good for him, but this is a guy who willingly takes a lot of bumps and doesn’t take any drugs. I couldn’t even get through a sore shoulder without having to take a painkiller.
1:37:00: I love watching Punk lock in a submission. He’s one of the few guys who make the art of submission as exciting as a high-flying exhibition. I’ll write that article one day.
1:38:01: Punk looks gassed. Not sure if on purpose or because of the time he missed. It could be on purpose because the story makes sense.
1:38:40: Or it might be a mix of both. Jericho’s running around the ring, showing that he’s in tip-top in-ring conditioning while Punk is walking around, seemingly tired. The announcers are playing it up too. It could be that he is legitimately rusty and they’re incorporating that into the story.
1:40:47: Relax, guys, it’s only the first Walls of Jericho. He’s not going to tap out.
1:41:37: Anaconda Vice! The last time I saw that, Undertaker sat straight up in the middle of it! (It’s been that long!)
1:42:37: Heyman distracts Punk in an ill-timed attempt to interefere and he’s looking like he shit his pants. Well, of course. You do not want to make the Best in the World angry with you.
1:44:23: Ah, trading strikes. One of my favorite generic spots.
1:44:54: Jericho gave a little shudder there right before Punk leapt for the Macho Man Elbow. Timing issue? Telegraphing? That was awkward.
1:45:23: Jericho kicks out of the first official GTS!
1:46:01: The crowd’s chanting ONE MORE TIME! Okay then. But no, Jericho’s alive now.
1:47:13: The hometown crowd loves their son.
1:47:37: Heyman’s doing a really good job of helping make Punk look fallible. Punk is the Best in the World, but he needs humanity so that he’s believable when he wins. Interestingly, this is also what they have tried and just cannot – or just downright refuse – to do with Cena.
1:49:13: Come on Punk, hit him with a Berserker Barrage!
1:49:33: Jericho counters a huracanrana attempt into a walls. Not bad.
1:50:20: Well, that looked like a Berserker Barrage.
1:50:40: Two GTSes in a row to put Jericho away!
1:51:23: Match of the Night, for sure, but it wouldn’t have gotten there if it weren’t for the rowdy Chicago crowd cheering on their very own Punk. Bigger picture, it might be a weak Match of the Year candidate, but let’s not rain too much on this parade. I’m glad that Punk’s back. I’m glad we got a solid match. A lot of words aren’t needed for this one. I’m just gonna give you the score and let it speak for itself. 4.25 stars.
1:54:23: Time for the Tag Title match. Can you remember the last time a Tag Title match was this close to the main event? At the same time though, this scares me as they might not get a ton of time. Rules of card pacing dictate that in between two heavy matches, there must be a cooldown match that doesn’t take much emotional investment from the audience. If this isn’t a cooldown match, though, these four guys have some high standards to follow. But Bryan is involved in the match, so I have some faith.
1:57:13: Bryan is ridiculously over with everyone. You’re probably not cool if you don’t chant YES!
1:58:23: The Shield is #1 in teamwork, I’m telling you. All other teams in the division, future or present, should watch them work and try to achieve their level of synergy. Not saying that the others don’t have chemistry, but rather that the Shield has set the standard really high for double team moves and team dynamics.
2:00:46: Crowd’s slightly dead, but thankfully it doesn’t take much to get them to come alive again. You can’t blame them, though, because Punk/Jericho was tiring.
2:02:27: Aaaand to show how bored the crowd is, they start chanting for RVD. I think Orton needs to tag in Bryan now.
2:03:45: Reigns is doing everything he can and he can’t get a reaction. Shame because he does his part well.
2:04:40: I swear, the crowd is really just waiting for Bryan to get tagged in. I get that you have to milk the hot tag as much as possible, but when the silence is somewhat killing the match as a result, I think you have to switch plans here.
2:05:31: It took a few seconds there, but only Bryan can fire up the crowd like he can.
2:06:00: And Reigns is gonna have raw meat for a chest in the morning.
2:06:48: Bryan just accidentally hit a suicide dive on Randy Orton. Awkwardddd…
2:08:01: BUTTERFLY SUPERPLEX!
2:08:40: Okay, that was an insanely fun sequence right there. Orton feeds Bryan to a Reigns spear, Orton hits an RKO on Reigns, Rollins throws Orton out of the ring and Rollins hits the Curb Stomp on Bryan for the pin and win! Fun match, but it suffered from a tired crowd. It was nice of them to place the Tag Title match near the main event for once, but maybe if the preceding match was the WWE title match, the crowd would be hotter for this. Points go to everyone for putting out a fun little effort there. I’m actually excited for the potential of Bryan vs. Orton as a singles feud. 3.5 stars.
2:11:00: It’s time for the main event, but… if I were at the Allstate Arena right now, I kinda would want to go home at this point. That’s what happens when you run your top story to the ground too early.
2:13:24: Three Stages of Hell is starting off with a lumberjack match. I love a well-booked lumberjack match.
2:17:32: Here comes ol’ ‘Beezy, with the Team Rocket beanie.
2:18:42: Jesus Christ, for a moment I thought I saw Tyson Tomko among the face lumberjacks. Turns out it was just Tensai.
2:20:05: I’m not quite sure when this new yellow-and-blue Cena shirt came out, but it’s a good color combination. The blue saves it from being too Fruity Pebbles.
2:21:00: I really don’t care if you hate the guy, but I’m gonna say this about Cena: you’re gonna miss him when he’s gone.
2:22:27: Does… anyone know how Cena managed to heal from his Achilles injury? He never took time off, he wrestled through the injury. How’d he do it?
2:23:07: Okay, I’ve only noticed this now: why are the lumberjacks not on adjacent sides? That’s ridiculously illogical. Half of the face and heel lumberjacks are on opposite sides. Now when one guy gets tossed to the outside only half of the opposing lumberjacks are gonna mob him, as opposed to if each guy claim two adjacent sides of the ring as their own, all of the faces or all of the heels will mob the victim.
2:26:26: Well that’s not really nice, Ryback. Those guys are in it for you and that’s how you repay them? By tossing Cena to their side and pancaking them?
2:27:17: CLUSTERFUCK! It’s like a Roman orgy in there! (But not really, that would be gross.)
2:28:44: Shell Shock and the first fall goes to Ryback. That was pretty quick. I’m not entirely sure about all that. It seemed a little strange that it ended like that.
2:29:48: Ah, of course. That’s the angle. By having Ryback win the first fall, another “overcome the odds” situation for Cena is created. All ‘Beezy needs is one fall, and Cena, ever the overcomer of odds, must find it in himself to catch up and win two in a row.
2:30:50: Okay, for a moment there I thought we were gonna have a quick second fall. That would be typical of Cena.
2:31:14: Crowd’s chanting Goldberg now. Really original, Chicago.
2:33:35: Ryback throwing the steel steps onto the table was a really cool visual. This some Superman stuff going on.
2:34:54: ‘Beezy breaks another table with the steel steps. Great possum play by Cena.
2:35:27: Here come the five moves of doom now, but there aren’t any tables in the ring. Meanwhile, as the minutes tick by I’m starting to think that the ambulance match is going to be a really quick third fall.
2:37:13: Attitude Adjustment and there’s the second fall for Cena. Typical SuperCena finish.
2:38:48: ‘Beezy powerbombs Cena through the announce table just because he’s pissed. Fair enough. I’d be angry too if I lost like that.
2:40:11: We’re very close to the ambulance. This should be ending soon.
2:42:00: God damn, Ryback just ran clean through the ambulance door!
2:43:22: God damn again, ‘Beezy just tore a fender off the ambulance! Who made this ambulance and why can meatheads just tear it apart like that?
2:44:27: God damn a third time, Cena just tore off the sirens and hit ‘Beezy with it! Somebody should sue the manufacturer!
2:45:41: An Attitude Adjustment and Ryback goes through the roof of the ambulance, and that counts as putting him inside the ambulance for the win!
2:46:36: That was an okay match, I guess. It was just plodding at times, and the Three Stages of Hell format didn’t allow for maximum storytelling. It was really just more gimmicks and less drama, and I don’t think the novelty was even there thanks to the lackluster match types. Just a few cool spots, but nothing really mindblowing. I’m really just glad that the Cena/Ryback story is finally over. 3 stars.
All in all, it was a solid show. If I were to sum it up in one word, it would be delivered. What we got on paper is what we got in the ring. And really, that’s not a bad thing – it’s actually a lot of good things, in fact; there just wasn’t anything really great. There was good and there was great, but not really great. It seemed like a lot of the great stuff happened earlier on, and then it dialled down to being good near the end, until it ended with okay in the main event. Watch this PPV once, then move on, because the possibilities for the future after this show are more important and, well, exciting. B+