12:49: JBL, so what if Cena gave Punk a week’s notice? That was still cashing in.
13:15: Sandow looking strong here with some brutal-looking offense, but I fear that this is only because there are ladders around.
13:35: BARRETT’S WHACKING PEOPLE WITH A BROKEN LADDER RUNG!
13:44: “Have you ever had your bell rung with a rung?” (Lawler, 2013)
13:59: If that broken rung was a ladder botch, Barrett did a good job of making the most out of it.
14:09: VERY EUROPEAN UPPERCUT TO A FALLING WADE BARRETT! BARRETT’S BEEN UPPERCUT INTO NEXT MONTH!
14:48: Cesaro’s got Ambrose in a sleeper on top of the ladder, and he has the ladder all to himself for a moment until Freddie Mercury walked up!
15:24: FREDDIE MERCURY WITH THE MUSCLE BUSTER TO THE LADDER!
15:58: Philly’s now chanting “Cody’s Mustache.” His mustache is more over than he is; please take note.
16:49: Swagger’s got a wide open look at the ladder but the positioning is way off, and that allows Barrett to hit a beautiful Bullhammer to knock Swags clean off! Have I ever told you that I mark out for the Bullhammer? One of the best finishers in the game right now, in my humble opinion.
17:08: I really like how Michael Cole puts in the effort to breathe the As in. He never forgets, even in the heat of a really exciting moment. “AND NOW HERE’S FAHNDAHNGO!”
17:28: Fandango can’t reach the briefcase so he goes for a sunset flip powerbomb instead. Aight, bro. But you still have to get up there!
18:11: He’s making his way up now, but Ambrose is on his tail – and ladder-assisted snapmare driver!
18:53: Damn, I thought Cesaro was going to lift the ladder up WHILE Ambrose was on it, a la Big Show and Kofi Kingston back in 2011 or 2010, I think. That would’ve been a great spot for him, considering how his strength has been showcased in the following spots…
19:12: Now Ambrose is helicoptering the bejeezus out of everyone with that ladder, but SwagSaro (CeSwagger?) have him up and- HE’S SKINNING THE CAT! BUT IT’S WAY TOO LOW TO REACH THE BRIEFCASE AND THEY DROP HIM TO THE OUTSIDE!
19:52: CeSwagger’s pulling a Spirit Squad as Cesaro’s up on Swagger’s shoulders to reach up for the briefcase, but Freddie comes in with a missile dropkick to break the pyramid! What were the implications of that, though? So Uncle Zeb’s gameplan was that Cesaro would be the one to win the briefcase between him and Swagger? Because this is an every-man-for-himself match and if I were Swagger I probably would have dropped Cesaro – because hey, it ain’t nothing personal.
20:30: Philly’s chanting “THIS IS AWESOME.” Philly is a very, very tough crowd to please, and these guys making them chant that? You know they’re putting in work.
20:57: CROSSRHODESMANIA! NOW STOP TAUNTING AND GRAB A DAMN LADDER!
21:47: I was starting to think the ladders were too small, but now Cody grabs a really huge ladder. Okay, I thought we were gonna have a problem there.
22:49: Cody’s busted open – the hard way, it seems. You know things just got real.
22:50: THE SHIELD IS HERE! OF COURSE!
23:25: ANGRY SAMOAN RAGE SHOUTS!
23:39: Speaking of – here are more angry Samoans because the Usos are here too! Everyone is here! Who else is gonna come down?
24:06: Ambrose is on top of the ladder and Cody Rhodes pushes it down to send Ambrose flying over to the outside and to the clusterfuck going on! Three angry Samoans are down! Seth Rollins is down!
24:09: Looks like Freddie Mercury’s taking this! Get ready to play We Are the Champions on the PA system!
24:40: But here’s Sandow! He pushes him off… and he’s got the briefcase! Sandow wins!
25:33: That was a very, very good opening Money in the Bank match. In a match full of guys that more or less have to be gambled on to be the company’s future at this point, I’m not going to comment or dispute the wisdom (or any possible lack thereof) of having Sandow win the briefcase, because we only ever really find out if it works during the cash-in and subsequent title reign. Money in the Bank over the years has taught us that the win is really more of a bigger picture thing – more of a high draft pick than a playoff seed. The ball’s now on Sandow and the WWE to make him look like a legit contender before and after the eventual title victory. So on the merits of the ladder match alone, I’m going to give it 4.5 stars. Yes, we’re starting out really strong tonight.
25:43: So is this going to a Cody face turn? Guy’s been a heel for a really huge part of his career. He turned heel just months after debuting, and the midcard needs more faces.
26:32: Also, I suppose this was foreshadowed in the promo they were cutting during their entrance earlier – Sandow unceremoniously grabbed the mic from Cody as he was talking.
30:15: Brad Maddox, for those who aren’t caught up to speed, has been named the new GM of RAW the Monday before. This really intrigues me as I’m not quite sure what the company sees in him. Is he going to be the new Miz – a really raw, young superstar that audiences aren’t sure what to make of? Is that even a good thing?
32:58: So I’m still not sure what the point of this segment is, other than to get some cheap heel heat on Maddox.
34:50: A Vickie Guerrero video montage. Yep, I still don’t see it.
35:58: Speaking of… here comes Miz, and I guess it’s time for the Intercontinental title match. Glad that segment was over.
36:58: And of course, we’ve also got Curtis McGilliAxel out here. I’m hoping for a decent match from these two – I liked their interaction during the triple threat at Payback as their quick brawling styles suited each other more than they each did with Wade Barrett. Let’s see.
38:49: I need Axel’s striking offense to have more natural flow. Right now, this is what he does: punch, stop, take a step around, punch, stop, and so on. I understand that he’s slowing the pace of the match down, but there’s just no fluidity in it, no deliberateness. It makes Axel look more tentative than predatory.
40:11: Miz taking a page from the Eddie Guerrero Playbook – a reference material I always love – and it works! Heyman’s gone!
40:35: Incidentally, if Heyman was as smart as he says he is, shouldn’t he make use of the instant replay the company so eagerly debuted last PPV?
41:25: Saito from Axel. Again, he needs to focus more on his throws.
42:35: Axel’s controlling the flow of the offense and really, just look at this. There’s just no feel of a sequence to his offense. It’s stop-and-go stuff. It’s more watching American football than basketball, and wrestling matches ideally should be more like basketball – still managing to be exciting even when slowed down.
43:50: Thankfully, Miz has a better grasp on how to string together offense.
44:56: And naturally, Axel seems to work better on the more overbooked parts of the match.
45:04: Axel hits the Perfect-Plex but only gets a two count. Nobody should be kicking out of finishers at this level of the card. Axel should have a better finisher because not a lot of things are better than the Perfect-Plex.
46:10: Damn, Axel manages to survive the Figure Four, and it really looked like he was about to tap out there – and Miz reverses it after Axel reverses it!
47:30: One strange-looking neckbreaker-to-facebuster – a modified McGillicutter it looks like – and Axel retains the Intercontinental championship after ten or so minutes. Quiet little match, but it was really hard to top the very strong opener. This match was really just lose-lose; it could have opened the show, but I doubt it would’ve pumped the crowd up sufficiently. It had a couple of moments here and there. Axel needs someone miles better to carry him to a decent match – it makes you miss Tyson Kidd a lot, because Kidd, along with extended minutes, brought out the absolute best in him. 3 stars.
50:00: Time for the Divas championship match and here comes my baby A.J.!
50:47: I don’t know why Kaitlyn brought Layla out with her; I’m pretty sure she can’t take Big E on.
52:31: I’m not sure if I’ve ever said this before, but Kaitlyn looks really impressive hitting all the power moves, and it helps that she’s doing them on AJ. It’s most likely the reason why she’s in the spotlight here right after Beth Phoenix’s retirement. I really believe these two and NXT’s Paige can carry the Divas division all on their own.
54:08: AJ with a bridging key lock! Alicia Fox can do a bridging belly-to-belly suplex en pointe, but can she do this?
55:08: AJ’s insane and I love it. That, and the crossface chickenwing with a grapevine.
55:42: Can you believe AJ – for a moment there, until Kaitlyn hit that backbreaker – was dominating the bigger Kaitlyn?
58:25: Big time Spear there but Kaitlyn couldn’t follow up, and AJ locks in the Black Widow – she’s got it locked in real tight, and Kaitlyn finally taps out.
59:39: The crowd was dead for this one, despite the women’s best efforts; it was a shame as they put out a really decent match, for six minutes. Not even AJ managed to get much of a reaction from the Philly crowd. The Payback match was better. 3 stars.
1:01:38: Kickoff panel and we’ve got White Charles Barkley and “Chocolate Thunder” Kofi Kingston. I… why is Big Show on the sideline again? I can’t remember.
1:02:48: Ryback vs. Chris Jericho now. I still maintain that these two should’ve been shipped to MITB matches (Beezy to the WHC Money in the Bank and Y2J to All-Stars) to make some room for the tag title match on the card, and feature the Wyatt Family squashing a small team in the kickoff. The tag title match went from nearly main-eventing Payback to kicking off this PPV. Granted the challengers were just the Usos, but… come on. The Usos are good enough to be on the main card.
1:05:40: Philly loves Y2J; at least I know they won’t be dead for this match from that alone. (Not that Y2J is going to let the crowd be silent in his match.)
1:06:58: What’s up with Ryback being tentative all of a sudden? You know what, though, if he turns back face while doubting himself, I can buy that.
1:08:41: Jericho telegraphed that hotshot counter, though. Come on, Chris, I know you’re better than that.
1:09:45: Ryback hits a free-falling splash. Not a bad move for him to be doing.
1:11:37: Beezy’s dominating Jericho here and it feels like forever. This match needs Chris controlling the pace.
1:12:08: Jericho managed to lift Beezy for a belly-to-belly suplex! That’s impressive.
1:13:40: Codebreaker countered into a powerbomb – and Beezy picked him up with the deadlift powerbomb again, but Jericho kicks out at two. That Chris Jericho is one tough cookie.
1:14:52: Something’s just not clicking here. Ryback’s offense looks good, but it just isn’t working. Something’s off. The crowd is barely just riding along, and Jericho can’t seem to draw them in even with a run on offense.
1:16:03: Jericho counters Shell Shocked into a Tornado DDT for two. Jericho’s building up a house of fire and misses a lionsault, allowing Beezy to roll him up for the pin and win!
1:17:14: Not going to disagree with the result; Jericho likes putting the younger talent over and that’s how it should be, really. But this just didn’t work, and Jericho’s touch couldn’t save it. Maybe because they weren’t really given a good reason to fight each other – both guys were left out of the MITB matches? Put them together in a match. And I was right; even if the objective was to build Ryback up, these two were just better off as cogs in the MITB machines because this match just didn’t work. I also believe it’s indicative of a bigger problem: audiences still don’t know what to do with Ryback as a heel after the WWE botched his ill-timed turn against Cena. Case in point, the only reaction Ryback got was the fans chanting “Goldberg.” That’s it. That’s all he is to them. It’s long been time to give him a compelling story. 3.25 stars.
1:18:44: The new WWE Performance Center really looks like it’s something awesome. Something like that really isn’t a bad thing for the wrestling industry.
1:22:14: WWE hasn’t had many El Kabong moments lately, what with Jeff Jarrett being in TNA. This really needs to be rectified (by using more guitars, not by re-hiring Jarrett).
1:23:04: To you people in the Philly crowd who thought of “World War Ziggler,” that’s a really great idea for Dolph. It might stir up some feelings in this politically-correct world, but that would be a great campaign for him.
1:24:07: I’m sorry, Alberto… what now?
1:25:21: Is… it just his orange tanktop, or did Dolphy Z go a little overboard on the spray tan?
1:26:58: Here we go. I’m expecting a decent match from these two, at the very least. They can go high-octane in a matter of minutes and that should work out very well for them.
1:28:31: UPDATE: Yes, he did go overboard on the spray tan. His chest and collarbone area is clearly more orange than the rest of him.
1:29:07: Del Rio has always needed to be more aggressive on offense, and Dolph, the great bumper that he is, is the perfect opponent to make him look like a sick, stiff brute. Fact of the matter is fans react to the harder hits more, even if they’re dangerous. Del Rio needs guys like Dolph until he learns to be more of a killer on his own.
1:31:19: Alberto’s also really good at expressing himself through his face. One moment he was all cocky and smiling, and the next he was going to town on Dolph with a look on his face like Dolph murdered his grandmother.
1:33:19: Sitout facebuster from the top rope! Dolph landed on his legs a bit awkwardly there.
1:33:58: Slugfest and JBL remarks that “this is what these two wanted to do from the beginning.” That’s what they should’ve done from the very beginning, if they were going to sell their very personal rivalry.
1:34:51: Beautiful German suplex from del Rio after countering the Fame Asser.
1:35:28: Del Rio misses a high enzuigiri and Ziggler hits that Fame Asser for two! Good sequence.
1:35:54: Philly is behind Dolph. I’m glad they’re not dead, and they’re still alive after a hard tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from the champ.
1:36:41: What exactly was ADR planning to do from the top rope there? Dolph met him coming down with a dropkick and we never knew what high-flying move he was gonna do. I hate it when someone goes to the top rope and jump to obviously just be taken down.
1:37:10: Heeeeere’s AJ!
1:37:26: Dolph doesn’t want AJ around. Why not? I’d always want AJ around.
1:37:50: Ziggler’s high DDT: a new signature move?
1:38:48: DEL RIO WITH THE INVERTED SUPERPLEX! BUT ONLY FOR TWO! IF THIS WERE SMACKDOWN VS RAW 2006 THE SCREEN WOULD FLASH RED AND DOLPH WOULD BE BUSTED OPEN!
1:39:46: Del Rio with the stiff mule kick that won him the title, but only for two!
1:40:25: Del Rio has a knee brace and he’s going to use it, but Dolph catches the leg and sends him back… only for AJ to whack Del Rio with a title belt! You know what that means – it’s a DQ! I don’t quite understand why she did that when the ref was clearly looking!
1:41:06: That was… an unusual finish. JBL was right – we were watching one hell of a championship match only for AJ to ruin it. What for? To tease the split? Even then, there were much better ways to get the split going. Not this… unusual interference. Something could’ve happened after the match. This was just weird. 3.25 stars because I knocked off .25 just for the strange finish. It could’ve been better.
1:42:22: Dolph and AJ arguing now. See, something could’ve happened in this particular space of time. In fact, Dolph doesn’t even need to have lost this match for these two to split eventually.
1:43:11: “You Screwed Ziggler!” Yes. Yes she did. In more ways than one.
1:45:07: It’s now time for the WWE Championship match, meaning the All-Stars Money in the Bank match is the main event. This only supports my opinion that MITB should be added to the “Big Four” PPV line-up, since it’s already almost on par with the Royal Rumble.
1:46:25: The Mark Henry fake retirement segment has been replayed in all forms this past month, and it never gets old even if you already know what’s coming.
1:48:24: The only problem with the whole “Cena can’t lift Henry up” angle is that a long, long time ago in WrestleMania XX, Cena was able to hit the F-U on Big Show. A guy who has a hundred pounds on Mizark at the time. You can’t really fool anyone with that, except those who weren’t old enough to remember that show.
1:49:30: SOMEBODY’S GON GET THEY ASS KICKED! SOMEBODY’S GON GET THEY WIG SPLIT!
1:49:58: Mizark’s never been WWE champ… but he should be. Really should. His clock’s running out. Give it to him for a few months.
1:51:33: Just a random thought: calling it now, when Daniel Bryan wins the WWE title, the sideplates are gonna read YES! and YES!
1:52:47: There was a close-up on Cena there, and I’ve only just noticed how old he looks now. Guy looks good and still looks young, for sure, but for a moment there I saw his true age, that being in his mid-thirties. It’s amazing to realize that he’s really come a long way.
1:54:20: Has there been a more intimidating contender to Cena, physically, than Mizark here? I mean Show’s bigger than him and Beezy’s buffer than him, but none of those guys truly look as dangerous as Mark Henry. (It’s not because he’s black, too. It’s just that Mizark, since turning heel, has never worn a look of nonsense on his face.)
1:55:49: And because Henry has always looked so strong, he can slow the match down and not be boring. Where Ryback just looked slow, Mizark looks deliberate. The two are just as strong, more or less, but people seem to buy into Mark Henry way more than they do Ryback – and Ryback does a lot more than Mizark.
1:57:54: Okay, I remember why now. It’s ridiculously hard to knock Mizark off his feet. The crowd absolutely loves him.
1:58:44: I’m impressed that there’s a small vocal section of the crowd… in Philly… chanting for Cena.
1:59:14: Mizark’s really just cleaning the arena floor with Cena every time he swings him by the legs.
1:59:43: Mizark with a quick Gerry Alanguilan smile there.
2:00:16: Okay, for the fakeness of the Cena-can’t-lift-Henry angle, it actually does help make Henry look really strong. I rescind my earlier complaint.
2:01:13: And Cena just borrowed a kick from Daniel Bryan there.
2:01:29: It took a second flying shoulder block to knock Mizark off his feet. Now Cena’s managing to throw Mizark around a little.
2:02:14: Johnny Boy tryna go for the Attitude Adjustment, but he still can’t get it up (#pause), and Mizark pancakes him on the floor for two.
2:02:46: “GET YOUR ASS UP, BOY!”
2:03:05: Tornado DDT to drive Mizark’s face to the mat.
2:03:22: John goes for the AA again and he finally gets him up this time and hits it! BUT MIZARK KICKS OUT AT ONE! NOT TWO! ONE!
2:03:43: Kicking out at one really got Mizark’s strength over. Everyone kicks out of the Attitude Adjustment – if they ever kick out, that is – at two. Mark Henry is no normal man, and he kicks out at one.
2:04:30: Cena to the top rope, going for the cross body, but Mizark conveniently catches him in position for a World’s Strongest Slam. It’s another one of those useless top-rope diving move scenarios, but at least Cena angling his body makes it look like he was trying something.
2:04:45: Cena kicks out at two! If you haven’t realized it yet, this is really a battle of strength.
2:05:44: Mizark’s gone to the outside to get two chairs. Last time I checked, this isn’t a Street Fight.
2:06:18: Oh, I see. Mizark was distracting the referee so he can send Cena crashing to an exposed turnbuckle, but Cena sends him there face-first instead! Cena’s got the STF in!
2:06:41: Mizark makes it to the bottom rope. The crowd went crazy when the STF was locked in, just so you know.
2:06:54: Scott Armstrong, the referee, has a word with Cena, and obvious ref spot is obvious, because it leads to a quick ref bump which allows Mizark to blatantly hit Cena with a kick to the nuts!
2:07:14: And Cena kicks out of the low blow at two!
2:07:55: Mizark goes for the WSM but Cena jumps back and locks in the STF again! Mizark tries to crawl to the ropes but Cena pulls him back to the middle of the ring! Mizark taps out!
2:09:08: Henry’s selling the leg – it was pulled all the way back for the last couple of minutes there.
2:09:34: Predictable Cena match. I have to admit – I saw all the angry reactions to the finish of this match. They’re saying SuperCena pulled the win out of his ass again, no-selling all the damage he’s taken, and because of that I was expecting some truly egregious no-selling to occur here. When the finish came, I saw that it was honestly not that bad. Could Cena have worked the leg a little more, so that it would be a little more believable? Definitely. But I’ve seen much worse from Cena (remember Summerslam 2010 and the DDT on the concrete floor?) to call foul on this. I think the bigger problem here was not that Cena recovered so quickly, but that Henry was booked to tap out so soon to the STF. In other words, Cena was more protected than Henry was, and that’s already saying a lot given how strong he’s been made to look. For his part, though, Henry’s selling that leg very well, and that’s about all he can do for now.
In any case, the match was good. I might very well be in the minority opinion here, considering the finish, but I enjoyed it thoroughly. Henry on offense and defense is a pleasure to watch. All big men should be studying his work. 3.75 stars.
2:12:23: I suppose it’s both a curse and a gift. The curse is – if Cena looks so strong, who’s really going to stop him? And the gift is the very few who can stop him are really on that top tier. Punk, by beating Cena repeatedly for the title, is on that top tier. Rock is on that top tier. And guess what: if Bryan beats Cena for the title, no doubt he’s on that top tier.
2:14:17: Have you seen the Wyatt Family debut yet? If you haven’t, you really should.
2:14:43: Ah, that reminds me, Kane is out of the All-Stars match. I wonder who’s going to replace him, if he’ll be replaced at all. Rumors are it’s going to be Bray Wyatt, but that really doesn’t make much sense.
2:15:17: Hah, there’s the familiar drop, and here’s Battle Creek’s own Rob Van Dam! I wasn’t expecting him to come out first. And guy’s lost more than a bit of his old muscle mass.
2:16:28: RVD looks legit happy to be back. Good for him.
2:17:09: Out next is Captain Charisma, my second personal favorite to win this match. Also, if you need an image of how much different RVD looks now, he looks worse than Christian, and Christian is the lankiest guy on the main roster right now (until Aiden English from NXT makes it).
2:17:49: And here comes my personal favorite to win. Yes. Respect the Beard.
2:19:26: RVD just tried to leap up from the mat and reach for the briefcase. You go do that, man. (That reminds me of how he won the briefcase at WrestleMania 21: he grabbed it, and promptly fell all the way down from the top of the ladder.)
2:19:42: IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTER HEAD!
2:20:56: HEEEEEERE’S PUNKVERINE! He’s only my third favorite to win this match. This really isn’t his match to win, as we already know who he’s facing at SummerSlam, and it starts with B and rhymes with “Lock Brezznurr.”
2:22:26: One quick look at the participants – and it really is an all-star match.
2:22:42: In fact, they’re so reverent of each other, no one’s attacking anyone yet. It’s like the last few minutes of a Royal Rumble.
2:23:00: Now they’re staring RVD down like a pack of zombies, just because the crowd’s chanting for him.
2:23:38: Sheamus tries to go for Christian, but everyone attacks Sheamus instead, sending him out of the ring. This looks more and more like a Rumble match, but there obviously aren’t any eliminations.
2:24:08: Oh, I forgot to mention – Kane hasn’t been replaced. Good. History has taught me that the less people there are in an MITB, the better it is. (The one at WM 26 was the worst, with ten people.)
2:24:19: Christian and Orton have tumbled out of the ring as well, leaving, well, Punk and Bryan behind in the ring. Meanwhile, in unrelated news, a wrestling crowd in Philadelphia has experienced a mass orgasm.
2:24:44: Cole mentions Bryan and Punk “revitalizing” the WWE in the past couple of years. That’s an interesting thing to acknowledge on-air.
2:25:22: D-Breezy going for the YES! Lock, but… why?
2:26:00: RVD just hit Punk and Bryan with a roundhouse. To recap, those are the guys who hit everyone with a roundhouse. I think he was showing them how it’s done.
2:26:14: RVD hitting all his old moves. I missed those; I always thought that if I were going to be a wrestler, I was obviously going to be a cruiserweight, so I’d borrow RVD’s kicks and combinations.
2:26:55: Okay, despite what I said about RVD looking worse than Christian, he just military pressed Christian onto a ladder. I might have to take it back.
2:27:05: RRRRRRROLLLLLLIIIIIIIINGGGGG THUUUUUUUUUNNNNDAAAAAAH!
2:27:25: Orton has RVD’s number here and I think we might have just come full circle. Orton beat RVD in 2003 to win his first Intercontinental title.
2:27:33: RVD was about to hit the Five-Star there, but Christian whacks him in the ass with a ladder. Okay.
2:28:09: Christian’s got the baby ladder to whack Orton with. Think you might wanna start setting up the big-boy ladder to get the briefcase.
2:28:45: I just heard some fan scream, “YOU SUCK, SHEAMUS!” That’s real tough of you, guy, when you’re sitting behind the security barrier in safety.
2:29:16: Sheamus setting up for the High Cross powerbomb and I haven’t seen that thing in forever.
2:29:49: Sheamus went up on the ladder but RVD pushes it down, making Sheamus take a huge spill!
2:30:31: ROLLING SENTON SLAM ONTO THE LADDER! You might’ve just broken the old man!
2:31:18: Sheamus wants to powerbomb Bryan onto the ladder, a la Sin Cara. Come on, don’t do that to him.
2:31:31: And Sheamus gets a flying knee to his face from Mr. Goatface for his efforts. Told you not to do that to him.
2:32:54: Everyone’s all around the briefcase now. This is going to be a nasty spill. I can feel it.
2:33:10: The brief case is swinging wildly! Everyone’s fallen down! I told you it was a nasty spill!
2:34:40: Sheamus cleaning house and the fans can’t be happy about that. WHITE NOISE!
2:35:25: BROGUE KICK! RVD’s been sent flying back to next month!
2:35:49: Have I mentioned that everybody loves Daniel Bryan? You can’t get more over than that, really.
2:36:23: Sheamus had a pretty clear hold on the briefcase, but Punkverine comes in for the rescue!
2:36:49: God damn, Sheamus is whacking Punk like he owes him money.
2:37:17: Punk pancakes the ladder on Sheamus from the top rope! (This is a spot that is better seen than described.)
2:37:53: And now Orton’s back in it, and he T-Bones Punk into the ladder in the corner! (I also approve of Orton adapting the T-Bone into his moveset!)
2:38:54: Christian with a spear to Orton and Bryan! His turn to have a hope spot!
2:39:27: And to get back at him for earlier, RVD whacks Christian in the ass with a ladder!
2:40:03: Philly’s chanting “WE WANT TABLES!” I don’t think they’ve got any in stock, though. They cleared out all the ladders from Home Depot but forgot to get any wooden tables.
2:41:13: RVD and Christian battling on the ladder, but the ladder topples over! Christian lands neck-first on the ropes but RVD lands on another ladder in the corner! RVD is busted open! RVD HITS A FIVE-STAR FROG SPLASH ON CHRISTIAN FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER!
2:42:05: RVD’s turn for a hope spot but Sheamus comes rushing up now, and these two are battling up on top! RVD manages to force Sheamus off the ladder so he can have a clean grab at the briefcase, but Sheamus topples the ladder over!
2:42:51: Heeeere’s Goatface, kicking the bejeezus out of everyone!
2:43:19: Now he’s taking all his frustrations out on Randy Orton! A dive to CM Punk on the outside! Missile dropkick on Sheamus and RVD! THIS, FRIENDS, IS THE POWER OF YES!
2:43:57: Bryan piefaces Sheamus on the top rope with a ladder, and Sheamus is sent crashing to the outside on the ladder he set up between the ring and the announce table!
2:44:14: Bryan’s got a clear path to the briefcase! THIS MIGHT BE IT! EVERYONE’S DOWN!
2:44:25: CURTIS AXEL IS HERE, AND STOPS BRYAN FROM GRABBING THE BRIEFCASE! HE HITS HIS FINISHER ON BRYAN OUTSIDE THE RING!
2:45:10: PUNK WITH A GTS TO AXEL! OOHHHH BOY!
2:45:54: Heyman’s out here and is screaming at Axel for even thinking of attacking Punk – but the funny thing is Axel looks like he’s out cold from the GTS.
2:46:35: Punk’s the only man standing in the ring, he’s got a clear path to the briefcase, can he do it?
2:47:10: HEYMAN IS WHACKING PUNK WITH A LADDER! HEYMAN IS TURNING ON PUNK!
2:47:33: HE JUST STRAIGHT UP PIEFACED PUNK WITH THE LADDER! THIS IS CHAOS! THIS IS MADNESS! THIS IS SPARTA!
2:48:00: RVD’s back in the ring and is he gonna be the one winning this?
2:48:20: Orton rushes back into the ring and forces RVD off and INTO AN RKO! RKO! RKO! RKO! RKO!
2:48:59: STOP LOOKING AROUND AND GRAB IT! ORTON WINS AND IS MR. MONEY IN THE BANK!
2:49:30: That was a really fun match – even if Bryan didn’t win it, I’m just fine with Orton winning. For some reason, though, the All-Stars match was technically worse than the World Heavyweight Championship MITB match, and this is strange considering these guys are better. Don’t get me wrong, though – both matches were equally exciting, but outside a handful of spots (a lot of them belonging to Bryan) the in-ring action was better in the opener. But good match. 4.25 stars.
2:53:02: Definitely not a bad event. Storywise, the show did well to advance a number of interesting plots. Meanwhile everything in between was really just good at best, and it certainly helped that the show was bookended by two great MITB matches. I’m a fan of putting the WWE Championship MITB on last to underscore the importance of that particular briefcase and the title. The crowd only really lent their energy to half the card: both MITBs and both World title matches, but really, the only thing you should go out of your way to watch are the Money in the Bank matches and the WWE title match, if you’re a big Cena fan. Everything else is better off recapped. B