How to Survive DCUO Free-to-Play

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Author: BimWebsite:
Bim is a socially adjusted geek with an unhealthy obsession for burgers. Follow him on Twitter (@TheBim) if you like high fives and nonsense.


So DC Universe Online was announced to go free-to-play come the end of October. Calm down, DC fanboy. We know some of you guys are just itching like a heroin addict to get a hold of DCUO once it goes free to play so we've got you guys covered. We've got some tips on how you can enjoy DCUO to its fullest, without falling into the pitfalls of F2P gaming, like having to leave your computer for "family or work stuff."

Learn it

Since there's really no more reason for you not to give it a try, you might as well learn to play it like a boss. It's very easy to scour the Internet for game mechanics, power sets, skill trees, controls and mission walkthroughs. But of course, it is of utmost importance that you learn the most important thing about MMO's - how to look bitchin'.

As early as now, you better decide if you'll go dark side and if you'll be rocking the cuffed boots or not.

Stock up on snacks

The basic time eater for most massively multiplayer online game is farming. That's like 90% of the game. You are going to spend hours upon hours farming for XP or items or whatever. To do that, you'lll need to farm without having to stand up. Make sure you stock your room up like it was a freaking bomb shelter.

Make sure you get only food you can eat with one hand so you always have one hand free to keep on playing. Don't let a simple thing like fulfilling a basic human need for survival interrupt your gaming. And, to keep your keyboard or PS3 controller from getting all cheesy, try eating with chopsticks.

Be comfy

Remember, you're in this for the long haul. You won't make it past 8 hours if you're wearing tight hipster jeans and a respectable shirt. You have to dress like you're ready to stay motionless for hours and hours and hours on end. Sedentary fashion is where it's at.

Waste disposal

To prevent you from having to stand up to eliminate bothersome waste, you'll need a way to go while beating up Joker's thugs in Gotham. Number 2 is actually easy, all you need to do is to wrap your chair in newspaper. Being liquid, number 1 is a bit tricky. For that, you'll need one of these:

Censored for sensitive eyes

Actually, come to think of it, maybe I should buy one of those just for everyday life. I bet that bag would feel very nice against my leg in the cold airconditioned office.

Holster your credit card

Since DCUO is free to play, that means they've switched their business model from subscription to micro-transactions. You may be thinking "oh, I'll be spending less" but then you'd be sadly mistaken. See, micro-transactions are kind deals where you have to buy the plane to get the free peanuts. The comparison chart between paid accounts the free accounts doesn't say it, but I bet that, like in Champions Online, the coolest shit will be available to you through real world money. So if there's this sweet helmet you want, you'd have to buy it in a bundle along with 75 ugly-ass helmets no one even wants to look at.

Images ganked form here and here.

If my spending in Champions Online is any indication, I'll be dropping a couple thousand bucks on this baby every month. So take our advice and holster your credit card, and only take it out when you really need it. Unless you want the repo man to start knocking on your door, watch what you spend on. Sure that cape is cool and would totally bring your character together but would it kill you to pass on it for now? Keep your micro-transaction spending in check. The $15/mo scheme may be better for you.

Text Secretary

Fuck your cellphone. You don't need to talk to your friends, wife, significant other, workmates, boss when aiding Batman against the Joker! So, for you Android aficionados out there, you've got the Text Secretary. Let your Android tell everyone trying to reach you to fuck off. You'll enjoy your gaming time without having to interact with real human beings from your life! Also, Windows has it, too.

Fortress of Solitude

Superman has one. Batman has a cave. Why can't you?

For the ultimate in gaming privacy, you have to build yourself a blanket fort (or pillow fortress, if you like it soft). Keep out pesky girl scouts selling cookies, mail men, delivery boys and family interventions by putting up a barrier of fluff and cloth. Make sure it is both impenetrable and impregnable, like a very old fashioned barren woman.

But how do you make something like that? Ah, the Internet is here to help. Click here for a how-to!

Check vitals every now and again

Have you heard about those dudes who died because they played for far too long? Yeah, that's not a very dignified way to go so I'd recommend against protecting yourself from that. Check yourself every two or three hours and simply follow this check list and you should be fine:

- Are you having trouble breathing?
- Do you feel a sharp pain in your chest?
- Do you have a headache?
- Is your left arm starting to lose feeling and go numb?
- If you hold your hand up for more than 3 seconds, do you feel fatigued?

If you answered yes to most of those questions, that's probably bad and you should stop for maybe 30 seconds before you resume. Use this half minute to clean the newspaper where your poop by chucking it out your blanket fort/ pillow fortress.

Okay, you're all set. Wait for DC Universe Online to go free to play, get the game and enjoy!


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