Post-Mortem Report: Alberto del Rio

Article written by:
Romeo Moran
Author: Romeo Moran
Ro is our resident wrestling geek. Don't mess with him; he'll elbow drop you out of nowhere.

Details

 

POST-MORTEM REPORT


Autopsy: 0820144D

DECEDENT: Alberto Rodriguez

KNOWN ALIASES: Alberto del Rio, Alberto Banderas, Dos Caras, Dos Caras, Jr., El Hijo del Dos Caras, Dorado, Joaquin Swagger, Mexico’s Greatest Export

Rigor: absent
Age: 37
Race: Latino
Sex: Male
Height: 77 in.
Weight: 240 lbs.
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Black
Heat: Lukewarm at best, unnervingly cold at worst

CLOTHING

  1. Black T-shirt with the words “Hecho en Mexico” printed
  2. Driving scarf
  3. Wristbands
  4. Wrestling trunks
  5. Kneepads
  6. Wrestling boots

 

EXTERNAL EXAMINATION

Well-developed, well-nourished Latino male with adequate bulk and build for any championship in pro wrestling. Fair, smug-looking face, not ugly but not modelesque; perfect for a heel. Decent to solid talker with comfortable command of the microphone. Excellent in-ring worker with an agile and athletic yet hard-hitting and impactful style of offense. Moves quick in the ring as a result of this training. Peppers his work with mannerisms expected of a pro wrestling heel, but has also shown to be capable of gestures intended to charm the audience. Overall, a total package asset, regardless of actual and perceived legacy.

 

HISTORY

Debuted on SmackDown in 2010 as a rich, landed Mexican aristocrat wealthy enough to drive a varying array of luxury cars to the arena once per car. Prematurely ejaculated into a potential billion-peso feud by starting a rivalry with fellow Mexican Rey Mysterio first. Won the first-ever 40-man Royal Rumble in his rookie year for a World Heavyweight Championship shot at Wrestlemania 27, which he (fortunately) lost. Continued to feud for said championship unsuccessfully until drafted to the RAW brand, and won the WWE Championship Money in the Bank.

Continued to rise too fast to the top by successfully cashing in his Money in the Bank contract at SummerSlam 2011 to become the WWE Champion only a year after debuting on the main roster. Settled back on SmackDown for the World Heavyweight Championship after a relatively quiet main event run that saw him try to break through to the ranks of CM Punk and John Cena. Won the World Heavyweight Championship for the last time at Payback 2013, turning heel against Dolph Ziggler in an underrated match. Meandered around in the card while making other wrestlers look good until his termination.

PATHOLOGICAL DIAGNOSES

  1. General lack of aggression
    • Until told to work a little stiffer and harder, flew around lucha-style, a wrestling style more appropriate for a face wrestler. Would eventually incorporate stiff side kicks and mule kicks into his offensive repertoire and become a slightly more effective villainous wrestler, but he would never truly get over his predilection for agility and grace.
    • While booked to be as devastating as it could potentially be, the Cross Armbreaker was not the most dangerous-looking submission, partly due to his “safe” way of applying the move. Would adopt a low superkick as a secondary impact finisher, but preferred to finish matches with the Cross Armbreaker.
    • Would develop offense to look and become very stiff. Knew how to build up to the Armbreaker effectively, but would have benefitted from a different sort of finishing maneuver.
  2. Personality disorder
    • Contrary to popular belief, was not a “black hole” of charisma. In fact, tries to do a lot of things to get him and whatever character he has at the time over, but has been sandbagged with lackluster gimmicks and characters throughout his WWE run.
    • Diluted the strong, promising Mexican aristocrat character after the feud with Rey Mysterio.
    • Started to preach about how winning the top championship was his destiny, a line of thought that ideally worked better for face characters; tried to be arrogant, but backfired. Should have presented a more outrageous claim to the championship—birthright, divine right, ownership, etc.
    • While well-intentioned, pro-legal immigrant face character was also half-baked, triggered only by the rescue of personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez, but not fully supplanted by solid background writing (i.e. was he a legal immigrant? Did he make his fortune in the States before settling in Mexico?)
  3. Premature ejaculation
    • Was hotshotted to the upper-midcard/main event scene as early as his rookie year, in which he won the Royal Rumble. After that, it would only take him around half of the year before tasting his first WWE Championship.
    • Premature main event run was combined with the poor “Destiny” gimmick, resulting in either disdain or apathy toward Rodriguez in his time as champion and challenger.
    • Would have benefitted greatly from a few strong midcard-level championship reigns.

 

CAUSE OF TERMINATION

Alleged altercation with another WWE employee.

MANNER OF TERMINATION

With just cause. Open to appeal.

 

 

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