Also, Technology! It Should Always Make Bleep-Bloop Noises.
Every time I come across a person who has keypad tones on their cellphone, I feel the urge to bicycle-kick them in the face. Hollywood spends hundreds of millions of dollars in acquiring state-of-the-art software and equipment to produce the most stunning visual effects, but for some god-forsaken reason they always think that all computers and gadgets should make bleep-bloop noises.
It can honestly be cool sometimes, like when Tom Cruise was using that multi-touch interface of his in "Minority Report." The zipping and whooshing gave the user (and the audience) the full experience of theoretically having that kind of operating environment. But when Jack Bauer walks into CTU and every goddamn computer seems like it's talking to R2-D2 ALL FUCKING DAY, then it's just annoying.
You're Not White. You Need A Slow-Mo Ethnic Intro.
I don't even know why this needs any prelude, but what the hell: An ethnic character walks into a room, everything suddenly moves in slow motion, and generic music from their homeland plays in the background.
This is pretty common when a sultry exotic chick in introduced in a movie. If she's Latina, 100% of the time, plucks from a Spanish gweetar will get shoved down your earholes as she flips her hair and sashays across the screen. This is also the case when a villain in an action film makes his first appearance. Like if it's an Asian dude, you can bet your balls that flutes and gongs will be involved.
I piss some people off and I'd like to think that I'm mildly attractive. Okay, I've been called an anti-Christ and I regard myself as a sexy beast. I actually think that I would do a pretty damn good job of kidnapping Liam Neeson's family (sexily) and dying a horrible albeit well-deserved judo chop-laden death. But when I walk into a room, fucking tinikling music will not be playing in the background okay?
People Using the Phone Should End Their Calls Not With A Proper "Goodbye," But With An Implied "Fuck You."
I worked in customer service for 11 months and talked to Americans for 40 hours every single week. I've been mocked, dissed, and cussed at but I was never hung up on. This makes me wonder why people in movies act like royal dicks when using the phone. Youtube agrees.
Speaking of Royal Dicks, All Villains Must Have An English Accent.
In fact, even if you're an African lion who murdered your brother, a German terrorist who takes a building hostage on Christmas Eve, a nefarious white wizard from Middle Earth, the Emperor of the Galactic Empire who moonlights as a Sith Lord, an alien general looking to kill Christopher Reeve, a magnetism-manipulating mutant Jew, or a Soviet Navy captain who hijacks a nuclear submarine, you MUST possess an English accent. (Internet Points for you if you can name all seven villains. They're pretty easy though so Internet Points are hereby revoked.)