Peter Parker’s Guide to Getting the Girl (An Amazing Spider-Man Feature)

Article written by:
Jurmane Lallana
Author: Jurmane Lallana
Jurmane is a comic book geek, movie aficionado, feature writer and bathroom singer. He is often mistaken for a giant teddy bear roaming around the metro.

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Having girl problems lately? Is the fear of rejection preventing you from asking out your dream girl? Worry no longer, for Peter Parker, Spider-Man himself, lays it all down for us in The Amazing Spider-Man (2012), the latest installment of the decade-old franchise. Just follow these simple steps and you’re good to go!

SUPER SPOILERS AHEAD! Read only if you’ve watched the film.

Step 1: Be the wallflower at your school. Bring your skateboard wherever you go.

Step 2: Practice your stalking skills. Get random pictures of your target when she’s not looking and use one of them as your wallpaper for your computer.

Step 3: Try to stop your local bully from harassing a poor kid. Get punched in the gut several times but make sure she sees this valiant but futile effort. If she doesn’t see it, then that’s it. You just got punched. Period.

Step 4: Sit behind her in class and while talking to her, say her name as if you aren’t sure even if you perfectly know what it is and have it drilled in your brain.

Step 5: Infiltrate a supposedly high-security tech company by pretending to be one of the interns, work with fate so that you bump into the one person that holds the key to your answers and walk around the building since nobody is going to notice you anyway.

Step 6: Enter a restricted lab full of radioactive spiders. When you get showered with them, brush them off but leave one under your shirt for future use.

Step 7: Get bitten and become a superhero who can stick to walls (and train poles). Among all the steps, this is the easiest to achieve, right? Right?

Step 8: Ask your target out in the most awkward way possible. Stutter continuously and avoid using nouns during your whole conversation. Be as vague as you can and you can bet she’s going to say yes to you.

Step 9: Have something tragic happen to you and be all anti-social after.

Step 10: Get your face bruised multiple times and make sure she sees them. Pretend that they don’t bother you at all.

Step 11: Enter your target’s room through the fire escape like any normal person would (because who uses front doors nowadays anyway). Lie about liking or knowing what a branzino is.

Step 12: During dinner, adamantly defend your alter-ego against her father, the police chief, so the two of you will have no choice but to go out for air.

Step 13: Have a hard time revealing your secret. When she’s already upset and about to pull away, pull her back in (literally and figuratively) through webbing and smooch her. Don’t worry about this little stunt. At this point, her resistance level would be zero.

Step 14: When you hang out, tell her how you need to save the city from a rampaging, giant lizard. Abruptly change the topic and compliment her for being an amazing kisser. Jackpot moment!

Step 15: Appear before her in your blue and red costume, bloodied and with massive slashes on your chest. Let her dress your wounds and watch as this leads to something very interesting. Jackpot moment again!

Step 16: After defeating said giant lizard, give her the cold shoulder even if you don’t want to. Cruelly drop out of her life and make her cry when she is most vulnerable. Watch her as she walks away from you and do nothing else.

Step 17: Make up for this righteous douchebaggery by whispering to her that promises which are not kept are the best kind. Everything is now back to normal and you two are an item again.

There you have it! Just like that, you now have the girl of your dreams. Thank you, Peter! You are certainly wise beyond your years! Now, if you still can’t get your girl after reading this, then you are what people would call hopeless it is recommended that you head to your nearest plastic surgeon and ask for the Andrew Garfield treatment. Maybe that’ll help? Kidding!

Long live, Spider-Man!

   

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